01: Ask Me Anything
Here's is the monthly Q&A column I run on here. Whether you're looking for advice, a different perspective, a recommendation, or are curious about my experience with something, no question is off limits. I pick and answer two questions from a running document. If you'd like to add one, fill this! It's anonymous. This isn't just about me giving advice, it's about me engaging with whatever is on your mind.
How do you stop being afraid to do the thing?
An excellent question, as far as questions are concerned. Being afraid to do the thing is natural, ground zero, the starting point, where everything begins. From dropping a text to a Bumble date to asking for a raise or the absurdity of trying to find and make new friends in your 30s to how to put your poetry our there to whether your work is good enough. The anxieties are endless. For some of us, the distinction between what objectively deserves terror like being bit by a snake or falling off a cliff or being run over by a car, and what provokes terror is blurred. The quintessential question— is there anything to be scared of here? can hardly bear to enter the consciousness.
Easily terrified, or anxious people, are rarely stupid. The likelihood is that they’re extremely bright. It’s just that, somewhere in your history the mental facilities required to logically distinguish between relative terrors has been diminished or destroyed. This has very little to do with you. In all probability, this happened when you were a mere infant, and perhaps your parents were too distracted or tired to attend to you in a moment of crisis, and your subconscious mind has internalized the fear and anxiety you felt in the moment. Every slightly daunting challenge now signals an end: there’s no gradation. Your inner alarm has been on ever since.
To start to dig yourself out of the quicksand of worry, we – the anxious – need to do something that is likely to feel very artificial and probably rather patronising too. We need to learn – on occasion – to distrust our senses completely. These senses, that are mostly terrific guides to life, have to be seen for what they also are: profoundly unreliable instruments, capable of throwing out faulty readings and destroying our lives. We need to erect a firm distinction between feelings and reality; to grasp that an impression is not a prognosis; and a fear is not a fact.
One side of the mind has to treat the other with a robust kindly scepticism: I know you’re sure there is a scary bear out there (at that party, in that newspaper article, in that office meeting). But is there one really? Really really? Emotion will be screaming yes like one’s life depends on it. But we’ve been here before and we need – with infinite forbearance – to let the screaming go on a little – and ignore it entirely. The cure lies in watching the panic unfold and in refusing to get involved in its seeming certainties.
The thing with starting anything new, initially is, that you’re probably going to suck at it. Nobody likes to wallow in ineptitude. The idea’s to get over that initial hump of misery, to the fun part where you can actually enjoy it. Our primeval brains are afraid of looking bad in front of others, of losing social status, of not performing as well as others. The good news? You will get better as you continue to do it and in all probability, others don’t care about how bad you are, as much as you do.
Social media creates a “spotlight effect;” the idea that everyone is constantly watching us but let’s say, you join a new dance class and fumble the steps or you are out of rhythm. The probability is nobody’s paying attention to the beginner, waiting for a fuck-up to make fun of them. Most people are focussed on getting their steps right and making it to the end of the class.
Now, you’re ready to do the thing. But, what’s your eventual goal? Do you want to master it, or do you want to learn it? Chances are, if you go in with the attitude of learning it first, you will be kinder to yourself while floundering, because flounder you will. While it’s good to have an end goal in mind, mastery’s an illusionary pursuit. Gunning for mastery immediately sets you up for failure. It’s okay, even necessary, to take your time.
Healthy coping mechanisms look like?
Definitely not binge-watching Netflix, binge-drinking, eating too much sugar or carbs, not exercising, impulse shopping, doomscrolling, swiping right or left and so on. But, we live in a difficult world where increasingly, life’s constructs are designed to make you lazier, sadder, more anxious and low on motivation. While, simultaneously, sending us subliminal messages that we’re not doing enough, consuming enough, putting ourselves out there enough. Understably, the instinct is to shut down and turn to things and people that provide immediate, short-term gratification. I’m guilty of this on a daily basis, as I’m sure you are too.
That being said, I’m sure you know that when you take a short walk around your tired little neighbourhood, with the same shop awnings and shrubs and detours you’re so tired of, it certainly feels better than watching reels for an hour straight. There’s been enough research on how increased phone time has contributed to more anxiety and depression, so I won’t go on about how you need to spend less time on your phone. Generally though, we all need to spend less time on our phones.
Since I’m not a therapist, I cannot make a blanket statement of healthy coping mechanisms. What I can do is tell you what works for me.
Meditation is a big one. I meditate daily (it’s probably the only habit I’ve managed to sustain over a long period of time, apart from writing) and the differences in my life before meditation and now are stark and gaping. I still struggle with generalised anxiety, but have less frequent panic attacks. Even the days I don’t get out of bed and binge-watch Netflix (currently, Class), I still meditate. It’s the one thing I can do from the comfort of my bed and it literally prepares me to face the outside world everyday after waking up. The only thing that gives me more peace is being asleep.
Hot showers daily. This is a personal one because some people prefer cold showers. Cold showers are known to stimulate the vagus nerve and while the body adjust to the cold, the sympathetic nervous system’s activity declines, and the parasympathetic nervous system gets activated. Your parasympathetic nervous system's job is usually to relax or reduce your body's activities. It slows the heart and breathing rates, lowers blood pressure and improves digestion. The more time we spend in this state, the faster we recover. Unfortunately, for most of us, we spend most of our time in a ‘fight, flight, freeze or fawn’ state, that elevates our cortisol levels. Cold showers expose our body to just the right amount of stress that allows us to generate enough adrenaline to fight that, and recover after. Personally, I prefer hot showers since they serve a simple purpose: muscle relaxation and recovery from fatigue. For people with elevated cortisol levels (which, let’s face it, is all of us) and anxiety, progressive muscle relaxation is one of the best ways to feel a state of equilibrium again.
Feeling it out. The world we live in likes to tout processing emotions in one of two ways; a) “girlboss” it and overlook any learnings/feelings of shame/sadness/abandonment or b) ruminate and inundate ourselves with the same feelings to use them as an excuse to behave a certain way. Either way is a losing option. Feelings can be a tricky thing— while not facts, they can be helpful guidelines for what the body’s trying to tell you. The mind can be deceptive, but the body rarely lies. Why is that you feel relaxed and comfortable in the presence of some, and nervy and knotted in the presence of others? A complete denial of feelings is a common strategy used to think out something that’s causing you anxiety or depression or something that’s upsetting, becuse it involves confronting nasty feelings of helplessness, sadness and so on. But imagine, if you could feel it out in a safe space, like at therapy or with a friend who’s good at listening? You realise the feeling comes and goes. And, getting to the root of your fear is an added bonus.
Focussing on specific tasks and setting measurable goals. our goals can be as modest or as ambitious or as you like, as long as they’re measurable. Try simple things such as creating a daily to-do list or giving yourself certain objectives for the week, then aim towards achieving them. Goal setting is a form of proactive coping. In response to a previous stressor, you may set goals for yourself to help you accomplish the tasks you recently failed or avoid dealing with similar life setbacks or negative situations.
Isolating, or its cousin, pathological socialising. Anybody who knows me at all, knows that I love me some me-time. A healthy balance between spending time alone and seeking out meaningful connections is ideal. Setting the right boundaries with people is necessary, but isolating yourself when you’re already feeling down, can spell disaster. Unless, you have most of the abovementioned coping mechanisms sorted.
I hope this wasn’t too pedantic, and somebody takes something from it.
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